I know this is a little private to be putting on a blog but since all the people I wanted to tell about this experience also read my blog I figured this was easier than telling everyone separately. I had an amazing spiritual experience last night. And I know what you are thinking and yes you might be suprised given my recent history but just hear me out and wait till the end for your comments. And I don't want any of you doubting the sincerity of all this, if you have any negative comments I don't want to hear them, I know what I felt was real and I know I recieved an answer. Here is what happened:
I have not prayed in a long time due to many various reasons, but last night was one of the first times in a LONG time that I felt like I wanted to tell my Heavenly Father something. So as I laid in my bed, I closed my eyes and folded my arms and I began to pray. I told Heavenly Father that I was sorry that I haven't prayed in so long. I told him that I was afraid to pray because I thought that if I prayed that he would tell me to break up with Kurtis because he is not a member and I couldn't do that and I couldn't bear him telling me to do that.
So I told him I was sorry and that I was grateful for all that he has done for me. Grateful I am at such a good school, the school I've always wanted to go to. Grateful for my family, my parents, brothers, sister in laws, and especially my little nephews. Grateful that I had a good childhood and never was in dire need of anything my whole life. I was always well taken care of and loved, and I told my Heavenly Father how grateful I was for that. And then I told him how grateful I was that I had Kurtis in my life how much Kurtis had changed me for the better and made me more confident in myself than I ever had. I told Heavenly Father how much I loved him and needed him in my life and how I wanted him to be permanently in my life.
I have not prayed in a long time due to many various reasons, but last night was one of the first times in a LONG time that I felt like I wanted to tell my Heavenly Father something. So as I laid in my bed, I closed my eyes and folded my arms and I began to pray. I told Heavenly Father that I was sorry that I haven't prayed in so long. I told him that I was afraid to pray because I thought that if I prayed that he would tell me to break up with Kurtis because he is not a member and I couldn't do that and I couldn't bear him telling me to do that.
So I told him I was sorry and that I was grateful for all that he has done for me. Grateful I am at such a good school, the school I've always wanted to go to. Grateful for my family, my parents, brothers, sister in laws, and especially my little nephews. Grateful that I had a good childhood and never was in dire need of anything my whole life. I was always well taken care of and loved, and I told my Heavenly Father how grateful I was for that. And then I told him how grateful I was that I had Kurtis in my life how much Kurtis had changed me for the better and made me more confident in myself than I ever had. I told Heavenly Father how much I loved him and needed him in my life and how I wanted him to be permanently in my life.
I asked him if he would be ok with that, and I told him that I didn't want him to think I was ungrateful for all that he has done for me, that I didn't love him, that I didn't love the church and as I asked that I felt like someone was standing next to my bed, listening to me. I told him that being at this school and wanting Kurtis made me feel like I was being judged by the other students, but if he was ok with it than I would put up with anything anyone else thought. I asked him if I could somehow find a balance, in my life, between Kurtis and the church. And as I kept asking and asking for a balance, if I could have Kurtis in my life and still be ok with my Heavenly Father I continued to say how grateful I was for everything in my life.
After I closed my prayer I laid in my bed thinking about my question. And as I laid, my heart began to feel full, like it was growing inside my chest, just like it was about to burst from the seams with love! Love for Kurtis, love for my Savior, and love for my Heavenly Father. And as I began to feel all the love in my heart I felt it completely surround me and I began to cry with the deep love that I felt my Heavenly Father have for me. And I knew that I got my answer. My Heavenly Father loved me no matter what and he was ok with what I wanted for my life.
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